17 year olds will be the death of me.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
