YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
