One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
