I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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