Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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