the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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