You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
