He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
