thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
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You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
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Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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