He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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