I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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