So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
