there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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