grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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