Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
