Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
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