piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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