His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
