i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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