I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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