you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
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Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
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My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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