I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
now i know why i became what i already was.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
