My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
