Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
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I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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