i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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