i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
