Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
