I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
