Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
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The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
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I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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