i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
