Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
