Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
