Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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