it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Even my vagina gasped.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
