Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
