I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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