Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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