Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
