i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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