Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Randomize
