sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
