In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i think i have two assholes
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
