Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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