Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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