shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
