How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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