I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
