Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize