hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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