I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
