In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
