I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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