Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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