I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..