So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
